Retrospect
You called to say that you miss me
That you constantly think of me
That my smell is still on your skin
That my words you can taste on your tongue
That you wish your countenance with me were different.
I did not pick up.
I did not respond.
I’ve moved on.
Then you text.
You text in past tense and I ignored your message
As if we never knew the word love
And I had never been hurt by your gaze.
You tried again and couldn’t reach me
You called out for me with a message in a bottle
And a letter under an Eagle’s feet
Yet I did not care to read it or stare at its ink.
You rang, yet I did not answer.
Then you asked me why.
Why?
Why.
Because I remembered.
With every one of your attempts to reach me
I remembered the frustrations that pierced me
Each time I called you, and there was no answer.
I remembered that there was no justification for anything
Anything that you have ever done to make me bleed.
To set my heart ablaze in the most horrific of ways.
I remembered the tears that I suddenly couldn’t bring to fall.
The pool of water that I often woke up in,
Trembling from the cold embrace of the rain you left me in—often.
I remembered emotional rollercoasters that left my stomach in a vomiting knot
And told my head to keep spinning, not allowing for rest or clear thoughts.
And then I remembered again. I saw something in my third eye, again.
It WAS my third eye.
The eye of 3’s in my life that came to seek me
The one that came to see me and speak to me
Befriend me, console me, help mold me.
I remembered my eye.
The one who sees me…
When my eyebrows are out of shape
And my mouth and soul are slightly out of place
He sees me.
When anger befalls me and my smile turns sideways
He sees me.
When I am bothered by worry’s lingering sickness
And cannot seem to put down my burdens
He sees me.
When I haven’t spoken to The Most High
And I’m feeling less than high on life
The warmth of 3 reminds me of my blessings
Reminds me that what used to be a mess is now my message.
A message of strength and of God’s unfailing, unwavering Grace.
Yes, I remembered.
So, no, I cannot speak.
We cannot meet.
We cannot be anymore than a memory that fades.
A memory that taught us and brought us through the sands of life.
I remembered.
My third eye-sight is in my sights and my tunnel vision is ever so clear
Because I remembered…
That I am saved, that I am free, that I am loved, that I am me,
That you cannot have me…any of me, any piece of my voice on the phone…
Reminiscing of old times, or any piece of my fingers typing you back.
You can only have what is left of what is written in this piece
To remind you of what I remembered…
-Sarabi